January 20, 2012

Brad Womack is his own Bachelor franchise…

A few days ago it was announced that Emily Maynard would be the next Bachelorette on ABC’s hit sitcom The Bachelorette.  You may remember Emily as the blonde lady from Charlotte, North Carolina whose NASCAR employed fiance died after a plane Emily was supposed to be on with him crashed WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT.  Also, she was the “winner” of Season 15 of The Bachelor, Brad Womack’s second chance at finding love.

First of all, The Bachelorette is usually chosen from the final few contestants of the previous season of The Bachelor.  Currently, we are only three episodes into Season 16, so the fact that the new Bachelorette has already been announced does not bode well for the level of excitement for the rest of the season.  What I’m trying to say is, these final bitches gon’ be BORING.

But more importantly, what this means is that Brad Womack has now played a roll in 5 separate seasons of The Bachelor.  He was the Bachelor on Season 11, when he famously decided to dump both of the final two during the finale.  He then came back for Season 15, where he got another chance at “finding true love.”

Now, I’m here to help… I’d like to give you a timeline that explains how we got to the point where Brad Womack’s third ex will be the new Bachelorette.

2007: Brad Womack, a restauranteur from Austin Texas is announced the new Bachelor. He dumps Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas in the final episode, shocking “the nation.”

2008: DeAnna Pappas, freshly rejected by Brad, becomes the next Bachelorette.  She ends up dumping single dad Jason Mesnick so she can get engaged to Jesse Csincsak, a gross snowboarding hippie who wears pink sneakers with his tuxedo.

2009: Jason Mesnick is a single dad, if he hadn’t made that clear. He was also the Bachelor in 2009.  Jason dumped Molly Malaney and proposed to Melissa Rycroft on the final episode of his season. Then, in the reunion episode he dumped Melissa and proposed to Molly, because hey, it’s TV!  Earlier in the season he dumped Jillian Harris.

2009: Jillian Harris, the new quirky Bachelorette, dumped a ton of guys, one of whom was a melodramatic pilot Jake Pavelka.

2010: Jake Pavelka used his bland, pilotty charm to become the next Bachelor and gets engaged to batshit crazy Vienna Girardi.  Along the way Ali Fedotowsky decides to leave and come back or some shit.

2010: Ali’s the next Bachelorette.  She dumps Chris Lambton who had a dead dad or some shit, but was ultimately too boring to be the next Bachelor. WHAT WERE THE ABC EXECS TO DO?

2011: Oh, right, bring back that Brad Womack guy! America hated him, hello rating$$$$$.  Brad dumped a bunch of girls, including Ashley Hebert, and then got engaged to Emily Maynard.  

2011: Ashley Hebert dumps Ben Flajnik.  Somewhere, off screen, Brad Womack and Emily Maynard start hating each other, throwing  things at each other, fighting loudly enough for Emily’s daughter to start crying, making Brad wish he had dumped both bitches again.

2012: Ben Flajnik apparently’s gonna dump some hella boring ladies this season, leaving ABC no choice but to give Brad Womack’s 3rd dumpee a chance to shine.  

So there you have it! Now you know what it takes for one man to influence 5 seasons of the ONLY SHOW WHERE TRUE LOVE IS REAL.

Also, I’m sure that after explaining how Emily’s fiance died in a tragic plane crash during the first episode, they will never bring it up/exploit it again.  RIght?

September 28, 2011 • 1 note
Yesterday I got the following message on the OkCupes: Well, here I am throwing my ridiculous, disclaimer laden, smilingly lascivious profile your way so that it just might resonate with you on a level or three, and well, really that it makes you think that a game of say, strip poker or strip chess, as soon as possible would be totally great and great…..or, uhm, something like that. :) M So I moseyed on over to his profile, and I know this is going to sound shocking, but it was gross.  His initial description of himself includes the following poetry: “I‘m also (though certainly subjective and up for debate, as all things are) smart, funny, talented, sexy, handsome, very unique, and pretty well hung. Wooo Hoooo…!”  But then, it gets into the real issue… yes he DOES have a girlfriend and they are ”committed to each other, and that will not change, we also understand that commitment and monogamy don’t have to be the same thing, and if you care for someone, you want them to be happy“… so basically he has a gf with low self esteem who lets him sleep around because he tells her it’s the ONLY WAY I CAN REALLY LOVE YOU TO THE FULLEST BABY. Anyway, as wet as my panties were at this point, I felt as though playing strip poker with this guy was not the best idea, so I sent the following response: I am very flattered that you find me attractive enough to send me a form letter inviting me to have sex with you despite your gf, but I will unfortunately have to decline. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. And I don’t know, I’m pretty proud of myself.

Yesterday I got the following message on the OkCupes:

Well, here I am throwing my ridiculous, disclaimer laden, smilingly lascivious profile your way so that it just might resonate with you on a level or three, and well, really that it makes you think that a game of say, strip poker or strip chess, as soon as possible would be totally great and great…..or, uhm, something like that. :) 

M

So I moseyed on over to his profile, and I know this is going to sound shocking, but it was gross.  His initial description of himself includes the following poetry: “I‘m also (though certainly subjective and up for debate, as all things are) smart, funny, talented, sexy, handsome, very unique, and pretty well hung. Wooo Hoooo…!”  But then, it gets into the real issue… yes he DOES have a girlfriend and they are ”committed to each other, and that will not change, we also understand that commitment and monogamy don’t have to be the same thing, and if you care for someone, you want them to be happy“… so basically he has a gf with low self esteem who lets him sleep around because he tells her it’s the ONLY WAY I CAN REALLY LOVE YOU TO THE FULLEST BABY.

Anyway, as wet as my panties were at this point, I felt as though playing strip poker with this guy was not the best idea, so I sent the following response:

I am very flattered that you find me attractive enough to send me a form letter inviting me to have sex with you despite your gf, but I will unfortunately have to decline. 

I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

And I don’t know, I’m pretty proud of myself.

May 3, 2011
I actually ended up dating my NASCAR pen pal.  I was kind of psyched on dating him because he wasn’t an indie or a hipster at all, he was just a normal dude who didn’t care about the “music scene” or anything like that. Well, we had two crazy awesome dates and he was all obsessed with me and sent me over the top text messages about how much he liked me. Well, today he dumped me.  Told me he was feeling uncertain about everything.  Dumped by a norm. I thought maybe a norm would be easier to date than an indie… thought it might make a little more sense, be more convenient. I was totally wrong. At least with indie guys, you can talk about records and impress them with your cute outfits before they dump you.  

I actually ended up dating my NASCAR pen pal.  I was kind of psyched on dating him because he wasn’t an indie or a hipster at all, he was just a normal dude who didn’t care about the “music scene” or anything like that.

Well, we had two crazy awesome dates and he was all obsessed with me and sent me over the top text messages about how much he liked me.

Well, today he dumped me.  Told me he was feeling uncertain about everything.  Dumped by a norm.

I thought maybe a norm would be easier to date than an indie… thought it might make a little more sense, be more convenient.

I was totally wrong.

At least with indie guys, you can talk about records and impress them with your cute outfits before they dump you.  

April 25, 2011 • 2 notes
Today I got an e-mail from a boy to apologize for the fact that he wouldn’t be able to e-mail me until tomorrow. The future is weird.

Today I got an e-mail from a boy to apologize for the fact that he wouldn’t be able to e-mail me until tomorrow.

The future is weird.

April 21, 2011
I have a new NASCAR boyfriend. Last Sunday I went to a NASCAR Meetup at a sports bar in midtown and it was a total bust, just me and one weird dude… But! There was a totally cute boy watching the race at the bar and I tried to talk to him but ended up just insulting him and saying it was “typical” that he was rooting for Dale Earnhardt Jr. and walking away. Afterwards, I posted a missed connection for him.  He didn’t respond,  but some other dude did, just wondering where I had found a place to watch NASCAR in the city.  I wrote back, and we’ve been corresponding about NASCAR ever since.  Is it love… in the fast lane? (jk jk jk) Oh yeah, I Facebook stalked him, and he’s pretty cute too.

I have a new NASCAR boyfriend.

Last Sunday I went to a NASCAR Meetup at a sports bar in midtown and it was a total bust, just me and one weird dude… But! There was a totally cute boy watching the race at the bar and I tried to talk to him but ended up just insulting him and saying it was “typical” that he was rooting for Dale Earnhardt Jr. and walking away.

Afterwards, I posted a missed connection for him.  He didn’t respond,  but some other dude did, just wondering where I had found a place to watch NASCAR in the city.  I wrote back, and we’ve been corresponding about NASCAR ever since.  Is it love… in the fast lane? (jk jk jk)

Oh yeah, I Facebook stalked him, and he’s pretty cute too.

April 19, 2011 • 7 notes
Yesterday I went to a Passover seder up at my grandparent’s house in Westchester and then stayed the night at my mom’s house in Croton-on-Hudson so I could detox.  We watched Dude Where’s My Car on demand and I played with our cats, Coffee and Donut. I am bumming over boys, as usual, but tonight I am going to see Cake.  Cake is not kosher for Passover.  Is beer kosher for Passover? I have no idea.

Yesterday I went to a Passover seder up at my grandparent’s house in Westchester and then stayed the night at my mom’s house in Croton-on-Hudson so I could detox.  We watched Dude Where’s My Car on demand and I played with our cats, Coffee and Donut.

I am bumming over boys, as usual, but tonight I am going to see Cake.  Cake is not kosher for Passover.  Is beer kosher for Passover? I have no idea.

April 12, 2011
Today is a bummer.   Last night I went to what was supposed to be a TOP SECRET BLACK LIPS show but really just ended up being a bunch of disappointed people waiting around at a bar in Bushwick where nothing really happened. Well one thing happened.  My coffee shop boyfriend came and we talked to each other and hung out all night and drank too much whiskey and got really drunk and ended up on the barista’s roof at 4am. The bad news is we don’t actually like each other now that we’ve talked.  I guess you can’t tell if you’ll get along with someone based on weeks of eye contact. Now today it’s raining and I have no crushes to crush on and ohhhh well.

Today is a bummer.  

Last night I went to what was supposed to be a TOP SECRET BLACK LIPS show but really just ended up being a bunch of disappointed people waiting around at a bar in Bushwick where nothing really happened.

Well one thing happened.  My coffee shop boyfriend came and we talked to each other and hung out all night and drank too much whiskey and got really drunk and ended up on the barista’s roof at 4am.

The bad news is we don’t actually like each other now that we’ve talked.  I guess you can’t tell if you’ll get along with someone based on weeks of eye contact.

Now today it’s raining and I have no crushes to crush on and ohhhh well.

April 11, 2011

This is the best summer song of all time.  I don’t really get into anti-folk usually, but this song is just perfect. 

Every day is getting awesomer and awesomer and awesomer and awesomer.

April 11, 2011 • 1 note
There’s this bar near my house that I go to every Sunday because my favorite bartender works and I have a crush on him and he’s nice to me and you know how it is.  I’m a glutton for cute boys and cheap booze. I wasn’t going to go last night because I really shouldn’t bother him every week but my friend Cindy texted me around 10 to tell me she was there.  She came all the way from Red Hook, it would have been rude of me not to go. Long story short, I got really wasted and fell asleep on the bar.  He woke me up as he was closing and I felt really embarrassed but he was cool about it.  ”No problem, you were just resting,” he said. He walked me home, it was nice. I need to get a real boyfriend.

There’s this bar near my house that I go to every Sunday because my favorite bartender works and I have a crush on him and he’s nice to me and you know how it is.  I’m a glutton for cute boys and cheap booze.

I wasn’t going to go last night because I really shouldn’t bother him every week but my friend Cindy texted me around 10 to tell me she was there.  She came all the way from Red Hook, it would have been rude of me not to go.

Long story short, I got really wasted and fell asleep on the bar.  He woke me up as he was closing and I felt really embarrassed but he was cool about it.  ”No problem, you were just resting,” he said.

He walked me home, it was nice.

I need to get a real boyfriend.

April 10, 2011
Tonight I’m going to the Cake Shop to see Bare Wires from San Francisco. They’re playing with my good buds Fergus & Geronimo and it should be a good show. Bare Wires are so fucking good, I am so excited to see them. Frontman Matthew Melton is super dreamy.  He is like if someone bottled the 70s and used science to turn them into a mega-hottie.  He also plays good music. My buddy Mila and I are going to walk over the Williamsburg Bridge and then rock out.

Tonight I’m going to the Cake Shop to see Bare Wires from San Francisco. They’re playing with my good buds Fergus & Geronimo and it should be a good show.

Bare Wires are so fucking good, I am so excited to see them. Frontman Matthew Melton is super dreamy.  He is like if someone bottled the 70s and used science to turn them into a mega-hottie.  He also plays good music.

My buddy Mila and I are going to walk over the Williamsburg Bridge and then rock out.